See New Places. Meet New People. Join Witness Protection Today.

We travel for may reasons. We travel to broaden our horizons. We travel to create lasting memories. And an increasing number of us are traveling to assume a new government-issued identity in order to avoid mob-ordered retaliatory dismemberment. Yes, witness protection is becoming a viable alternative for travelers looking to combine their lust for adventure with their civic duty to testify against the monstrous delinquents they associate with. It’s redefining the industry, with thrill and asylum seekers both signing up in droves. Even the insurance companies are taking note, realizing there’s no trip protection like having no other viable option.

Of course many are initially skeptical of the idea, what with the typically suburban locales and the terrifying ability of enforcers to track down adventurers in their federally-assigned vacation homes, but trust me, all of the classic travel hallmarks are there: The delightful disorientation. The enriching sense of discovery. The surveillance vehicle masquerading as a flower delivery truck across the street. You could even say these wanderlusting witnesses are the truest adventurers out there. Sure backpackers and full-time nomads spent months at a time exploring the far corners of the earth, but they’re still bound to reality by their birth names, legible fingerprints, and negligible chance of being fed to a team of hungry pigs.

It’s also a slum dunk for budget travelers. For most explorers, planning a trip involves considering the cost of transportation, daily food budgets, and accounting for incidentals. But with Witness Protection, your entire excursion is covered by Johnny Taxpayer! Your lodging, your transport, your fabricated identity documents, all included in the price of snitching on your extremely dangerous criminal conspirators. It puts most all inclusive resorts, including maximum security prisons, to shame.

Let’s not forget, in the world of irrelevant travel agents, dubious review sites, and inflexible cancellation policies, the federal government might be the most reliable travel planner available. Its connections are unparalleled, its compass is as trusty as it is amoral, and its record of dropping all responsibility the name of a multi-week vacation is getting more robust by the day. This is travel at its most liberating and bureaucratic. It’s the adventure of an election cycle. The other side of the aisle’s the limit.

This kind of travel isn’t for everyone. But if you have a real sense of exploration, an open mind, and proof the illicit organization was operating across state lines, you should consider planning your next trip with Witness Protection. And act quickly! You’ll want to get in on the adventure before it’s overrun with crowds of former presidential advisors.