Former Couples Travel: The Do’s And Don’ts Of Vacationing With A Despised Ex

Candlelight dinners. Private terrace hot tubs. Aphrodisiac-laced bath towels. Traveling the world with your special someone is one of best ways to strengthen a relationship, build lifelong memories, and force yourselves break the bathroom barrier. But what about those of us who don’t have a life partner to roam the world with? What about those of us looking for something other than a romantic getaway? What about those of us who bought a plane ticket with Janet during the good days, before seeing the photos of her with Jeremy from the laundromat, and we are both too stubborn to cancel because we think it might come off as a sign of weakness, but also fuck her, I earned this vacation, if it’s going to make her uncomfortable then she shouldn’t have slept with Jeremy, Jeremey’s six friends, or my stepdad, I’m going to the honeymoon suite in Jamaica, and if she’s there, so be it?

Yes, exploring the world with an ex, a former lover, or the one that got away (with stealing money from your savings to fuel a nasty gambling addiction) can be a thorny prospect. But if you’re dedicated to seeing the planet, you’re not going to let a little dissolution of what you once thought was true love deter you. You’re a world explorer. You’re a true wanderer. Now get out there, follow the guidelines below, and enjoy a sexless week abroad with an other that once held significance.

Get Some Alone Time

From each other. If you’re stuck in a foreign country with the one person who can alter the course of your life with one tap of a “Share Received Text Messages” icon, it’s probably best to avoid each other as much as possible. And you know what’s way easier to do than getting upgraded to the honeymoon suite? Getting downgraded to the Estranged Twin Suite and adjacent broom closet. Just make sure to polish up on your rock paper scissors game before they hand out those room keys.

Slip Into Something More Comfortable

But like actually comfortable. Not fake sexy comfortable. You’re not trying to impress anyone on this journey. If you don’t gain 7 lbs over the course of a long weekend right in front of his face, you’ve lost the trip. Baggy tees. Sweatpants. Brown slippers that were white when you wore them in middle school. As androgynous as humanly possible. Leave literally everything to the imagination. Oh, no one else is wearing a hazmat suit on Perissa Beach? Perfect.

If you haven’t already changed your number after the breakup, getting a foreign SIM card will also do the trick

Spice Things Up

If you’re traveling with a significant other, you never know when the moment might strike. You have to be present mentally, engaged physically, and extremely stable digestively. But guess what? The moment ain’t strikin anymore. So our recommendation is to eat as much spicy food as you possibly can. Make her repulsed by even the mere thought of physical intimacy with you. Ghost peppers, seasonings for local palates, weapons-grade chili extract. Anything to make you a sweaty, snotty mess incapable of eliciting even the faintest whisper of desire. This method works double if you’re sharing a bathroom too.

Use Protection

You’re in a strange unknown land with limited cell service, a malfunctioning internal clock, and a roommate who once threw a toaster oven at you from across the room. While you were in the bathtub. You need to be ready for anything. Now here at Jetlag Millionaire we don’t condone violence of any kind in any situation. But we do condone traveling with nunchucks. Or maybe just a singular chuck if you’re packing light. Just as a deterrent! Hang them somewhere you know he’ll casually see them, like next to the remote or the “Delete History” button. You always hear how important it is to buy travel insurance you never end up using, and you’re not likely to find midnight stabbings from your travel partner covered by World Nomads. Martial arts weapons tend not to have such strict policies, and are often just as affordable. Have no sex responsibly out there, kids.

Try Something New

Ok hear me out on this. You might think that the most hurtful thing you could to to an ex would be to hook up with someone else while on vacation with them. But you’re only halfway there. Switch sexual orientations. Just try it. Only for a few days. Can you imagine the look on her face? “I’m so sorry, I thought I put a sock on the doorknob! Anyway this is Carl…” Can you imagine the look on his face? “I’m so sorry, I thought I put a sock on the doorknob! Anyway this is Carolyn…” Yea, the he in that scenario was gay, it’s 2018, wake up. And the delicious sting you just felt after reading that is exactly what you’ll put your ex through when they open the door. Trust me, it’ll be worth it. A friend told me…